[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Pat is about to own someone
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
me when i see my girls butt
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
More like Kate Missington.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga