Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
What number SPF blocks people?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”