my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”