Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates