i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
You Might Also Like
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Room with a view.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
What the hell happened here.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.