I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“You drive, I’m tired.”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.