Otters see a butterfly.
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Only Americans understand
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away