Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
You Might Also Like
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.