if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?