the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
The booster protects against what, now?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’