My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me in tagged photos
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.