*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”