I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless