How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Why is this me 😫
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”