Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.