[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,