[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
This forever.
getting old is fun
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes