“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.