My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
You Might Also Like
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.