I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.