“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.