-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
You Might Also Like
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
(True)
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping