date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.