Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.