unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
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“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.