ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that