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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“you changed” bro i was 15
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.