therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Goodnight 🐶
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.