My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Me irl
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.