Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
at ease…shoulder.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Has there ever been a more American story?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .