[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum