vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
are there any atheist mantises?
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
When can I start eating bats again.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?