Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
This January has 47 Mondays
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation