If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Wednesday
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…