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3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.