My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now