The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything