I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
every single time
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Love thy neighbor’s dog
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry