Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time