if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.