Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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2022 be like
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Hey I worked for it too!
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership