Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.