[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
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happy mother’s day❤️
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
can’t bark with your mouth full
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine