My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
When I snag the last meatball.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else