*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
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My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
doing your own taxes
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
wtf management?!
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.