HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Put a ring on it
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
classic mixup
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”