First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?