I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave