[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
channeling her this year
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Just how popey was the pope today?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”