me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
WHO DID THIS?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog